


If only i could have you

by Keikaashi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Character Study, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past kita shinsuke/atsumu miya, Post-Time Skip, Rare Pairings, SakuAtsu, also pls keep in mind that kita didnt break up with atsumu in favor for sakusa, atsumu has anxiety btw, atsumu is bad at love, do not twist this at all i swear to god, halfway through it turned way too self indulgent the kinnie slipped out, kita/atsumu is a past thing, loving miya brothers because they dont fight all the time and i think thats important, miyacest shippers better stay far away from me though, sakuatsu never actually get together, so thats heavily implied, was inspired by all i want by paramore so listen to that while listening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:07:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27002476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keikaashi/pseuds/Keikaashi
Summary: Atsumu was always the least favorite twin. He had a hard time expressing his emotions without lying and it translated into his romantic relationships. He spent his entire life never being anyone's first pick and it starts to take a toll on him. He was tired of hearing the words "i'm sorry." from everyone he confessed to. He thought meeting Sakusa would be different but when he also uttered those dreadful words, Atsumu was even more dejected to ever love again.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 75





	If only i could have you

Atsumu never had any luck when it came to romance. He lacked the appealing personality most would look for, overcompensating with snarky remarks and loud gestures. He had bad habits he never got out of and he had flaws people nitpicked, even his own family. It was something he always wanted to change about himself, dig up all his issues and finally fix them. It ate him up, for as long as he could remember.

He remembers spending the majority of his childhood wallowing in heartbreak, never knowing how to truly break the cycle. Osamu was never any help, even when he tried to be. It never mattered to Atsumu, because his twin was always seen as the better half. No one really favored the two equally and it showed through the countless anonymous confessions within Osamu’s locker and the hushed ‘i’m sorrys’ Atsumu got when he poured his heart out on the roof.

On those days he felt the heaviest. His earbuds lodged deep in his ears to make sure he could fully drown out whatever story Osamu may be saying to him on their walk home. His bag slumped awkwardly against his hip and his hands shoved in his pockets so far he could reach his knees if he wanted. Silence was his best friend and his enemy on those days, not entirely shielding his thoughts but also not contributing to them either. Those were the days he thought about breathing one last time, fulfilling everyone’s wishes about him.

Then he started highschool and he believed things would be different. He was still as unlucky as ever but he kept his heart on his sleeve. That was until he met his captain of the volleyball team.

Atsumu became obsessed almost immediately. He looked up to Kita, of course, but he knew there was a hint of something else in there. He felt it when his heartbeat quickened as he walked into the locker room and Kita was there. He felt it when butterflies swarmed in his stomach when Kita gave him snacks at the end of practices. It was a new constant in Atsumu’s life, something he had grown used to almost too quickly.

Without warning, he confesses one day in the middle of practice.

The confession was rushed, jumbled, and Atsumu wishes he had actually planned it out better. But Kita had said yes, confessing back, and it lit up Atsumu’s whole being.

Atsumu has always been unlikely with love, this was no exception.

The breakup happened on Atsumu’s 17th birthday. It was sudden, rushed, and bittersweet. He was excited to spend the day with Kita, but the other had other plans. It was the first time Atsumu cried, the first time he rushed to seek comfort in his younger brother, the first time Osamu indulged.

* * *

_ Osamu ran his fingers through Atsumu’s hair as the blonde sobbed against his chest. “You idiot…” Samu mutters, eyes shifting away from the shaking form in his arms. “Didn’t I tell you to be careful?” _

_ Atsumu doesn’t say anything, the words getting stuck in his throat. He knew, oh how he knew. He told himself continuously not to get attached too quickly, that he was getting ahead of himself. He got too excited and he paid the price. _

_ “I’m sorry… I know how happy you were...” Osamu starts but he lets it trail away, his hand moving out of his brother’s hair and onto his back reassuringly. He didn’t know what else to say. It wasn’t like Atsumu to cry, not in front of Osamu, especially not over another person. Atsumu was never honest about his feelings, lying his way out of serious conversations. It had gotten to the point where their parents stopped checking in on him, his friends at school stopped hanging out with him, and he stopped showing any real emotion at all. It worried Osamu, it will always worry him. He hated seeing his brother broken in front of him, where he’s unable to do anything to help put him back together. _

_ “I… know I got too excited and rushed things…” Atsumu sobbed out, the words muffled in Osamu’s shirt. “But I really thought I loved him… I thought it would last.” _

_ Osamu choked, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood. He didn’t answer, he didn’t dare to. _

Atsumu likes to think he moved on from that now. He was in college, in a new environment. He didn’t have to worry about breakups or romance anymore. He chose to forget that night. His brother not mentioning it ever again, their spoken agreement. But once again things changed when he met Sakusa Kiyoomi.

Everything happened in such a blur, he couldn’t remember his own promise to himself sometimes. It just felt so good to be in love again, to put yourself out there once again. This time he hadn’t planned to confess to the black haired man, ever. He knew where it would most likely lead him. But he didn’t stop his brain from wandering during practice, and he certainly didn’t stop his brother from getting his hopes up.  _ “He might last this time, Tsumu. You should go for it.”  _

Just this once he let himself try again.

Atsumu was never lucky in romance. He’s had his fair share of heartbreak, all throughout childhood. So if he was asked why this particular moment hurt the most, he wouldn’t be able to tell.

_ “I’m sorry.” _


End file.
